What to Do When Your Partner Comes Out to You

A confession about gender identity or sexual orientation within a relationship can bring conflicting feelings. What do you do next?

A confession about gender identity or sexual orientation within a relationship can bring conflicting feelings. What do you do next?

A confession about gender identity or sexual orientation within a relationship can bring conflicting feelings. What do you do next?

Maybe you weren’t 100% surprised, but still, it’s been said out loud and now you’re sitting on the gravity of this information wondering what to do next.

But deep down you can’t help feeling betrayed, like a secret has been kept from you and you wonder if anything else has been hidden.

There are no clear-cut answers to your questions. You and your partner get to co-create the relationship that you want to be in. It’s important not to over-simplify the complexity of human sexuality, gender identity, and orientation.

Luckily relationship experts know how to help couples manage differences. The advice in this article is intended as a tool to provide some structure to help you make sure both your voices are heard and both of your needs are taken into consideration. The advice is based on my 28 years as a couple therapist combined with what we know from The Gottman Institute’s four decades researching over 3,000 couples.

Step 1: Remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do

The two of you are members of the same team. You are going through this together and can make a joint decision about what is best.

Step 2: Ask open-ended questions (even if you’re afraid of the answers)

Before you approach your partner for a conversation, we recommend some self-care. If your heart is beating over 100 beats per minute, you are in a state of fight or flight (also called flooding), and you won’t be able to have a productive conversation. To make sure you’re calm, do whatever works best for you to clear your mind and ground yourself.

Once you and your partner are both ready to talk, start by asking open-ended questions and listening deeply to the answers. Human beings are happier in relationships when they feel known. It is one of the seven principles that lead to relationship stability, which is the crucial skill of “building love maps.”

As you ask your questions, be a non-judgemental listening ear. Let them tell their story in their own words. Ask clarifying questions if you need to, but not challenging ones.

Don’t be afraid to ask any questions that are coming up for you. Some people worry that asking questions is intrusive. On the contrary, showing kind curiosity is a way to express interest and support to the person you love. It is more likely to lead to feeling closer and better understood.

You might have questions about the words to use to talk about this, or you might ask for definitions of terms that are new to you. Remember that your partner is not speaking for an entire community. They are simply sharing what they think and believe.

As your partner speaks their truth, you are being invited into a sacred part of their world and identity. It is a brave thing for them to share, and it’s brave of you to be open to listening.

You might hear things that are dramatically different than you thought they were. This doesn’t mean that your partner is changing. It means that they trust you enough to share who they are with more depth and update their love maps.

Step 3: Be honest with yourself and your partner

Follow up by reflecting on what you are hearing. This is how they’ll know that you care enough to deeply understand them.

As you listen to the answers to your questions, fears and doubts might rear their heads. You might wonder if you need to change the essence of who you are or the kind of relationship you want to be in.

Try not to let that fear block you from speaking your own truth. Even though you don’t want to lose the person you love, neither do you want to convince yourself you should feel or believe something that is not true for you.

The first step is for each of you to simply talk honestly about it. We know from the Gottmans’ research that compromise works when both people are able to be clear about the areas where they are flexible and the areas that are core needs.

Step 4: Take your time

You don’t have to make any decisions right away. These issues are complex and will take time to integrate and to educate yourselves.

All the great aspects of your relationship haven’t gone anywhere. You’ve got some hard work to do, so in the meantime, try to keep having fun together. Go to your favorite places, enjoy your favorite dates, and let life go on simultaneously.

One more take-home message

Instead of feeling like you have to do something you don’t want to do, or your partner having to extinguish an important part of who they are, in time, you can make a mutual decision that will allow both of you to be the entirety of who you are.

Amazon bestselling author Laura Silverstein, LCSW has thirty years in the field and has been certified in the Gottman Method since 2011. She collaborates with The Gottman Institute as a research clinician, speaker, trainer, and writer, and is best known for her positive, action-oriented style. Silverstein’s new book, Love Is an Action Verb is a relatable, surprisingly humorous relationship self-help book to read alone or with your partner. Get your copy here.